Faithful Paradox

Last Christmas I sat in the attic bedroom of an Airbnb in Liverpool and wept. We had been gifted the incredible opportunity to complete Ezra’s Make-A-Wish from some friends who heard that once a cancer patient dies, Make-A-Wish cancels the wish. Ezra dreamed of going to a game at Anfield Stadium in Liverpool, England to watch his beloved Liverpool FC play. Through the generosity of others and the kindness of God lining up the seemingly impossible, we were able to go two days before Christmas.

While the game was an incredible dream come true, Christmas day was one of grief. We were in a strange city, away from everything that felt familiar. We avoided long loved Christmas traditions for another year, as the sweet memories of Christmas without our beloved Ezra were still too painful to endure.

I wept because I missed my son. I wept because everything felt strange and unfamiliar. I wept because the entire trip that we began planning with Ezra when he first fell sick was now over and the last tiny piece we had of him was gone. I wept because I was still confused about God’s plan. I wept because my family hurt so deeply. I wept because life as I knew it and desired it to be died the day Ezra died. As I wept, I cried out to the Lord.

As I wept, I prayed and asked God, why. Why did you take Ezra? Why did you allow him to die so young? Why did he have to suffer so terribly? Why?

Why is a question we will rarely get an answer to. Even as Ezra was sick and wrestling with the same question of why, I encouraged him to ask other questions – What? What are you doing Lord? How? How can I see you in this pain? Where? Where will you be glorified? But why is a rarely answered question. And it was no different for me that day. I do believe, however, that God gave me a small answer.

As I wept and prayed and listened, Isaiah 57:1 popped into my head. One way that the Spirit has answered me is through the Word. Although it is still a rare thing, it has happened enough times that I do believe that it is a way I hear from God. Any time a verse pops into my head, I look it up. Most of the time, it does not apply to what I am praying or asking, but this time it did. Isaiah 57:1 says, “devout men are taken away while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace.”

I felt like the Spirit whispered to me, “Kirsten, no one understands. But Ezra entered into peace.” I did not get my answer to why, but I was reassured in my confusion and that Ezra was in peace.

Second Corinthians 5:4 says that when Ezra died, he was “swallowed up by life.” The peace that he was in was not just a restful slumber, but he was swallowed up by life – by truly living, maybe for the first time.

Ezra believed in Jesus. The Bible says that if we believe in Jesus, when we die, we can be assured that there is hope and life to come after death. While those who do not trust Jesus will be eternally separated from God, those who know him will have peace. It seems too good to believe, doesn’t it? It seems too wonderful. But I believe it’s true, even if it’s hard to comprehend.

When Ezra was sick, I clung to Psalm 27:13, “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I prayed and hoped and believed that God would heal Ezra and I would see his goodness here on earth. When we lost Ezra, I felt confused and, at times, angry. What did these promises mean? I did not see the goodness of the Lord, at least not how I had hoped, in the land of the living.

But the truth is, this earth that we live on, this planet, even though it is filled with beautiful things, is the not the land of the living. It is the land of the decaying, dead and dying. Everything here will die. The land of the living is the place where Jesus dwells and reigns. It is the land where nothing again will die. Where all the sad things will be made untrue. It’s not here.

As I wept on that Christmas day, I was comforted by the Words of God. While I do not understand why, nor will I for now, I was reassured that my son was ushered into peace. He was swallowed up to life. He entered the land of the living when he left this land of death and dying.

I write to remind myself of these truths because there are days it’s hard to believe. There are days that it’s hard to remember that this earth, this life, even the good here, is not all there is. The good is only a small taste of what will come because of the hope I have in Christ. And the bad is the worst it will ever be because of the hope I have in Christ.

Psalm 27 goes on to say, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord!” So I wait, knowing that one day, I too will be swallowed up to life. One day I too will enter the land of the living. So as I weep and I wait, I also remind my own heart. I still do not know why, but I do know what. I know how. I know Who. And for this I endure and rejoice.