Faithful Paradox

Over the next few days, I thought I might write a little about grief and grieving, as that seems to be where I find myself most days. I am well aware that my experiences and desires do not represent the population at large. Grief is a very personal and varied process and each person will navigate it differently. While my views do not represent everyone’s desires or needs, I hope that others may glean a nugget or two that could be helpful as you walk with others who are suffering or grieving.

One of the easiest mistakes we can make as we are walking with someone who is going through a season of suffering is that we unknowingly make their grief about ourselves. In our pain, compassion, confusion and hurting with another, we are desperate to ease their suffering in some way or another. In an obvious and understandable way, we think, “what would be helpful for me in this situation? What might I want if I were in this other person’s role?” We then act on it.

These are good questions to ask and a good place to start. Grief is hard and messy. We often hear, “do not ask someone what you can do, just do it.” Or we hear, “do not say things like, ‘if you need anything let me know.’” We hear this because often, when someone is suffering, having to ask for what they need is one more thing on their plates. It’s one more decision in the midst of decision fatigue. It’s one more piece of feeling needy.

At the same time, our experience was that there were a lot of really willing people who wanted to help and didn’t know how. And we did not know what we needed most of the time. The most helpful thing for our family when we were in the midst of hardship was to have a point person through whom all offers to help were funneled. A dear friend took on this role for us and she was a ferocious protector and gatekeeper for us. Any time someone would text and offer help, I directed them to her. Any time someone read about a miracle cancer cure, they were directed to her and she kept the information. Any time someone wanted to provide a meal, she directed them to the meal train. She kept a list of all the offers of people who were willing to help and helped coordinate help when it was needed. I was able to simply say to her, “We need people to help with fall clean up” and voila, a week later we had 15 volunteers cleaning up our yard. She was exactly what we needed and served our family so incredibly well. Her service to us was an unbelievable mercy in the midst of so much trauma.

I know it’s not always as tidy as this. Some do not have the community at hand that we had. Some do not have the friend that I had. Some might want to navigate the offers of help themselves. Some may not even know what they need (which was often the case for us). If you are walking with someone who is suffering, one thing you could do is offer to take on this role or help find someone to step into this role. Offer to be the one (or find someone) who helps coordinate things, lines up rides for kids, sends out the meal train, coordinates the fall clean up, organizes that house cleaning, etc. It’s far less overwhelming to have one person to communicate with than 50 willing people. It’s also helpful to be able to tell one person, “I need this” and allow them to be the one who asks rather than always having to be the one asking. It relieves a lot of stress to have a point person.

Also, recognize that what is helpful for you may not actually be helpful for the person who is suffering. We had many, many offers of help. An unexpected piece of relief for me came in being able to do mundane things for my family. I was at the hospital 4 days a week with Ezra and my at-home tasks suffered greatly (and my family deeply felt the effects of it). Being able to do simple things like laundry or cleaning were actually a balm to my weary, worried soul. It felt like a small piece of normalcy to be able to do these things for my family.

I had several people offer to come and pick up laundry for me and return it. (What an incredibly generous offer!) I declined this offer. One person in particular chastised me, telling me that they thought I was proud in not letting people serve me. They were both shocked and offended that I declined their offer. I didn’t have the energy (or really the understanding at the time) to explain that for some strange reason, doing laundry for my family brought the smallest measure of peace and even though my time at home was limited, it was the smallest act of service I could still give to my family to let them know that their needs mattered too – that life was not all about Ezra. I actually wanted to do our laundry. It was grounding for me. It was calming. It was some of the only “normal” I had in my life those days. As far as I can tell, it was not rooted in pride but rather desperately grasping for something that felt okay. Without realizing it, this person made things about themselves. They thought they knew what would be helpful and when I declined it, they were upset with me. This is only a small, silly example, but the point is that when walking with someone who is suffering, truly consider what is helpful for them, not what will make you feel like you’re helping them.

So what are the take-aways? Remember the grief is not about you. Your desire to serve and care for the person suffering is good and right, but sometimes, it may be that serving alleviates your grief more than it does the person who is actually suffering. If there is not a point person, maybe help line that up. Understand that the person suffering is managing a lot more than you realize and they are surviving, at times, moment by moment. While it’s not always helpful to say, “let me know what you need,” it’s also not always helpful to assume that you know the needs. Do your best to discern what might be helpful. Never chastise them when they decline your help. And understand that the grief you feel, while certainly valid and real, is far less than what the person who is suffering is feeling. Don’t add to the sufferer’s grief by placing expectations on them of what you think might be helpful.