Faithful Paradox

Doubt is a very real, and not always talked about, part of the Christian life. To be a believer in Jesus means to learn to navigate the doubts that come with it. The Bible says that there is an enemy, Satan, whose only goal is to, “steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10). His only aim is to bring doubt to our minds, assault our assurance, bring questions to our hearts and try to pull us from the hands of Jesus (were that even possible). He loves to antagonize us. 

I have been a believer for as long as I can remember. The Lord has been kind to allow me a life full of people who have helped me build a foundation based on the solid rock of God’s Word and Christ’s faithfulness. Yet we lose Ezra, I found that doubt began to be a very real part of my story.

What if I have not believed rightly? What if my faith fails? What if I have misunderstood the words of Jesus? What if I’ve misunderstood salvation altogether? What if I have believed the wrong thing? What if the truth is that deep down, I feel more anxious to see the son I lost again than I am to meet Jesus? Is God upset with me about this? What if, what if, what if…

I was recently reading in Matthew 11 where John the Baptist was in prison. As he was in prison, he began to doubt who Jesus was. John, the cousin of Jesus. John, the very one who baptized Jesus and saw the Holy Spirit descend upon him (Matthew 3:13-17). John, the one whom Scripture prophesied was to come (Isaiah 40:3, Malachi 3:1). John, the one whom the angel of the Lord told his parents that he would be, “great in the sight of the Lord” (Luke 1:15). This John, who knew Jesus in the flesh, who had already proclaimed him to be, “the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world” (John 1:29) began to doubt. As he sat in prison, he sent his disciples to Jesus to ask, ““Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” (Matthew 11:3).

As I wrestle through the grief of loss, I find that there are many days I feel mentally assaulted by the enemy. He does not care that I am working through a broken heart. In fact, he sees it an opportunity to harass me even more. At times, doubt can seem to overwhelm me. As I find myself in these spaces, I am comforted to think about John the Baptist.

It seems that John, maybe more than anyone in the New Testament, should have been assured of who Jesus was. I can only expect that he grew up hearing about the angel that visited his dad. I imagine he grew up hearing about the Old Testament prophesies that he himself fulfilled. I expect that John, as he sat alone with his thoughts in prison, was harassed by the enemy; prodded and poked with questions until the doubt could no longer remain silent; “Are you the one who is to come?” This had to be discouraging for him.

I love that in his doubt and discouragement, John went to Jesus. He was not afraid to voice his questions. It says something about his relationship with Jesus; he knew it was safe to express his fears and doubts to him.

I wonder if John felt frustrated with Jesus’ answer? I think I would have. I would have hoped that Jesus would have said, “Yup, it’s me! You got it right.” Instead, Jesus responds to John with the Word of God. He quotes the words of Isaiah, “The blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them” (Isaiah 35:5, Matthew 11:5). He didn’t just give him a straight answer, but rather, he pointed him back to God’s Word.

If that is how Jesus responded to John in his doubt, I think it must be the same for us. As we wrestle with doubt, the only place we can go is to the Word of God. The only place we can find truth is going back to the very place that we wrestle with belief. At times, it feels discouraging because what I want is for Jesus to say, “Yup, you got it right! Keep pressing on!” Instead, we are met with verses like Hebrews 11:1, “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” We are reminded that the very essence of faith flows from believing something we do not necessarily see; something we, at times, cannot feel. Beyond that, Jesus says, “blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe” (John 20:9).

It’s easy to be tempted to believe that Jesus is frustrated with our doubts and questions; that even though he is patient with us, there is an underlying annoyance or irritation that we still struggle to believe. As I look at his response to John’s questions, however, I find this is untrue.

After John sent his friends to ask Jesus if he was really the Messiah and after Jesus responded by pointing John back to God’s Word, he tells the people that are near enough to hear, “Truly, I say to you, among those born of women there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist” (Matthew 11:11). John is not rebuked for his questions or doubt. Jesus actually praises him for his character. He encourages him; he blesses him. I don’t think he’s commending John for his doubt, but rather, he is assuring John of his love for him, despite his doubt. John’s questions and uncertainty did nothing to affect Christ’s heart for him; it’s the same for us.

Somehow, as we fight for faith, as we fight to believe rightly, as we fight for belief, as we wrestle with doubt, as we struggle with the tensions of faith, there is blessing. We are met with grace and mercy. Jesus is not disappointed that we struggle. As we struggle, we are reminded that our salvation is a gift of grace and no amount of works or right belief will save us. It is simply God’s grace (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Despite knowing these truths in my head, I still find that many days, I wrestle. I wrestle with faith. I wrestle with doubt. I wrestle to believe rightly; to have my affections rightly aligned. Most recently, my struggle has been that there is a part of me that daily holds on, not simply because Christ is all, but because I want to see my son again. I wish my heart was in a different place. I wish that I longed to see Jesus more than I long to be reunited with my son. I find myself thinking, “surely God is disappointed with me that I can’t seem to get my affections rightly aligned.” I know my loves are misaligned, and yet I still cannot seem to anticipate anything more than getting to hug my son once again.

As I consider the grace in Jesus’ response to John’s doubt and questions, however, I recognize that God is big enough to be able to deal with a grieving mom’s heart and he’s big enough to deal with whatever doubts or misaligned affections we may hold. He is able to sort out our wrongly placed anticipation. He’s not angry or upset, looking on us with disappointment, but rather, he has compassion for us. I am grateful for this reminder. God does not disdain us in our doubts or wrong beliefs. He is patient with us. What a Savior we have.heart. He is able to sort out my wrongly placed anticipation. He’s not angry or upset, looking on me with disappointment, but rather, he has compassion for me. He knows that I am “helpless and harassed.” He knows. I am grateful for this reminder. God does not disdain us in our doubts or wrong beliefs. He is patient with us. What a Savior we have.