Faithful Paradox

When I was younger, my parents had a neighbor who faced an unexpected terminal illness. She was a young mom, previously very healthy and suddenly, she was sick and dying. I prayed and prayed for her, pleading with God to heal her. Wouldn’t it bring him the most glory to bring her back to health? Wouldn’t her healing tell a story of his power and glory? Wasn’t it within God’s will to heal a young mom; give her years with her kids? Wouldn’t it show others his power over all things, including sickness, to restore her to health? Wouldn’t people see his kindness and love in healing her?

My parent’s neighbor died. She was never restored to health. She did, however, die knowing Jesus and trusting him.

As I continue to work through the pain of losing my son, narratives about God’s glory that I have long believed have begun to unravel and I have begun to question if maybe I have misunderstood what God’s glory is all about. Maybe God’s glory is not as much about seeing God’s power to heal here on earth as it is about God’s power to hold.

I think of Jesus talking to Peter right before he was about to be betrayed. Jesus said to Peter, “I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail” (Luke 22:32). 

Jesus prayed this for Peter right before Peter turned and denied that he even knew Christ. Jesus’ concern for Peter was not the removal of the trial and betrayal that was coming, but rather, that Peter’s faith would not fail. His faith would not fail, even though Satan asked to sift him. His faith would not fail even though Peter would deny knowing his Savior. Peter’s faith would not fail even though others would doubt the resurrection. His faith would not fail.

If this was Christ’s prayer for Peter, maybe it’s the same for us.

I have prayed for those who are sick, asking God to show his power and glory by healing. I’m not sure that I have prayed as often that their faith would not fail. Times of miraculous healing seem to be few and far between, but over and over again I have seen God holding the faith of someone to the very end. Their faith did not fail.

As wonderful as a miraculous healing might be, could it be that the thing that actually shows God’s power and glory more than healing is that he keeps those who are his? Maybe I’ve misunderstood this all along.

Miraculous healings that we hope and pray for are a temporary solution to an eternal problem. Everyone dies. Everyone. Healing only delays the inevitable. Even if God had chosen to heal Ezra, the painful truth is that eventually, Ezra still would have died. Death is promised to all because, “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). While miraculous healings certainly bring glory to God, the thing that points more to God’s power, his glory, his might, his faithfulness and his kindness is that he remains true to his word; to himself. “No one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:28). God gets glory when his promises are proven true. 

God never promised us healing here on earth, but he has promised to keep us. Maybe that is where I misunderstood what brings him the most glory. I had hoped and assumed that drawing someone out of the jaws of death would bring God the most glory; it would show others the impossible and unexpected. Maybe, however, it’s that I’ve underestimated or under-appreciated Christ’s sacrifice for all who believe. The fact that Christ holds us is the impossible and unexpected. We are not strong enough to hold on to Christ, but he holds us and maybe this is a miracle we see all the time yet don’t always recognize.

A miraculous healing is temporary, but life with Christ is eternal. Maybe when God holds the faith of a believer to the very bitter end, his glory is shown as magnificent because his word is proven true. “Neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

I don’t know. I wanted God to heal my son. I still wish it went differently than it did. I wanted more time with him. I wanted to watch him continue to grow. I wanted to see him marry, have a family, a career. I wanted to watch his faith mature. I didn’t want to watch him suffer. I didn’t want the storyline God had for him. I wanted a miracle that God did not give.

The fact that Ezra praised Jesus until his very last breath, however, was a miracle I didn’t realize I was experiencing in real time. No amount of disappointment, sorrow, loss, grief, sickness or death was able to pull Ezra from the hands of God. The miracle I saw was different than the miracle I hoped to see, so I think I missed it. The pain and disappointment of loss obscured God’s glory for a time. It was an unseen miracle, but I realize now it was far more glorious.