Faithful Paradox

I have written on several occasions about my very personal battle with anxiety. This struggle has possibly served as one of the most discouraging, yet life-shaping battles of my life.

The discouragement comes when the darkness won’t lift, despite doing everything I know to do to battle it. The discouragement comes when I can’t sense God’s presence or nearness and the anxiety feels far more powerful than God’s presence. The discouragement comes when I plead with God to relieve the mental torture and I am met with silence. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that God is working for good when the things we see and understand are so incredibly limited; when the pain doesn’t stop and relief doesn’t come.

Years ago, after a particularly terrible season of panic attacks and unrelenting anxiety, I could only see the battle destroying and defeating me. I had asked the Lord for more than a decade for relief; to remove this thorn. It seemed his answer was continually, “no,” or at least, “not yet.” In desperation, I cried out to the Lord; “It doesn’t seem like you are going to take this away, so if you’re not going to do that, please, you have to show me how you are using it. All I can see right now is that this is destroying me.”

God has been kind to answer this prayer over the years. It has not happened all at once, but little by little, he has revealed to me ways in which he has used this most unwanted struggle with anxiety to shape me and cause me to be more like Christ. God has shown me much of his faithfulness, his holding power and his heart for me through this struggle. God has used anxiety to show me that:

• God is present, even when I can’t see, feel or experience him (2 Cor. 4:18)
• The blessing that comes with perseverance is seeing that God will not forsake me (James 1:12)
• God is the one who truly holds my faith and keeps me (Deut 31:6)
• I have learned what it means to hope in God, even when he doesn’t respond how I desire (Romans 5:5)
• God’s care rarely looks like problem removal (Psalm 23:4)
• God’s silence or quietness is not the same as the absence of God (1 Kings 19:12)
• God will not spare us from deep suffering (Romans 8:32).
• Deep pain will bring about deep wrestling and God is not only patient with us, but he invites us to wrestle (Genesis 32:22-32).
• Problem removal is not necessarily tied to the love of God, and in fact, sometimes the presence of problems is an expression of God’s love (Hebrews 12:6).
• Humility comes through the inability to gain victory (1 Peter 5:6).
• “I believe, help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
• Often, God allows us to sit in confusion (2 Cor. 5:7).
• The ways in which God chooses to work can often not be understood or explained (Isaiah 55:8-9).
• God comforts us so that we can comfort others (2 Cor. 1:4)
• God’s power truly is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
• God can be trusted even when I do not understand (Proverbs 3:5-6)
• I am not in control (Proverbs 19:21)
• God is over all things, even anxiety (Ephesians 4:6)
• God’s grace is sufficient and in weakness, he is strong (2 Cor. 12:9)

God has promised that he will be working for our good. The truth is, however, that sometimes the good we experience hurts because it is what God has defined as good rather than what feels good to me. In all the years of anxiety, I longed for God to meet me through relief.  I had times in which I felt confused, hurt, angry and disappointed that God did not respond to me in my pain in the way I hoped or expected. P.T. Forsythe says that, “we shall come one day to a heaven where we shall gratefully know that God’s great refusals were sometimes the true answers to our truest prayers” (The Soul of Prayer).

God’s answer of “no” to removing my anxiety was his faithfulness to me. Had God met me with problem removal, I know I would have longed for more and more problem removal and not more of God himself. His refusal to remove my anxiety was for my good and the protection of my heart. It is often through pain and struggle that we are spurred on to chase after a deeper intimacy with God. God’s answer of “no” led to me learning the difficult lessons of faith. It was painful, hard, and confusing in the moment, and yet it was a true picture that often, “God permits what he hates to accomplish what he loves” (Joni Eareckson Tada).

Having walked with or in the shadow of anxiety now for more than three decades, I can see much more clearly some of the things God has accomplished through this thorn. I believe that God hates anxiety even more than I do, yet through allowing it, he has used it to shape me. In fact, this struggle has been far more effective in shaping me than the removal of the struggle would have ever been. It has caused me to look more like Christ, and isn’t that ultimately the heart of God for me?

With some hindsight, I can see that God has been at work, bringing good from my anxiety, as he has promised (Romans 8:28). It has been incredibly painful and despite seeing all that God has done through the struggle, I still wish these lessons could have been learned through an acute sense of God’s presence and nearness rather than lessons learned in hindsight. I still wish that sometimes, God’s presence would have been experienced in the removal of my pain. I can see, however, that my struggle has shown me more of God’s faithful hand to work in the midst of pain. I better understand that sometimes, good gifts feel bad.

I understand now that God will not hesitate to allow the things of this world to wound his children in order that he may heal us rightly (Job 5:18). It seems that God’s answer to our prayers in the midst of struggle is rarely problem removal. It is in the midst of trial, however, that we truly learn that, “nothing can separate us from the love of God” (Romans 8:39), and even in learning that, we see the faithful hand of God.