Faithful Paradox

There are times I come across a passage in the Bible that sort of surprises me. Times when I wonder if I’ve ever noticed a particular verse before, even though I’ve read through the passage many times previously.

I have been reading through the Old Testament this summer and am currently in the book of Deuteronomy. It’s is a retelling of the the exodus of God’s people and their desert wandering as they await the land God has promised them. God assures the Israelites it will be a difficult journey, but he also promises he will be with them. He warned his people there would be war, yet when the journey became difficult, when people died, when walking through the desert lasted much longer than anyone expected, when sin ran rampant, when the gods of other nations seemed more accessible than the One True God, the Israelites began to grumble quietly in the privacy of their tents, “because the Lord hated us, he has brought us out… to destroy us” (Deut. 1:27).

My first thought was, “Good grief, Israelites! That’s a little dramatic, isn’t it? God hates you? The same God that brought you out of slavery from Egypt? The same God who went to great lengths like parting the Red Sea for you? He hates you?” As I sat and listened, however, the Spirit gently reminded me that my own heart is not that different from that of the Israelites.

When the sorrows and challenges of life leave us wrestling with the goodness, kindness and faithfulness of God, there are two routes we can choose. First, we can say yes, my experience is true and God was not kind, good or faithful. Or we can say, yes, my experience is painful, but God is who he says he is and since he is only good, only kind and only faithful, the confusion I am experiencing must be my own misunderstanding and wrongly placed expectations. Either God loves us or he hates us. Either God is faithful or he is not. Either God is good or he is not. Either God is kind or he is not. There is no middle ground. There is no, “he is kind in this place but unkind in that; he is good sometimes but not always.” God is either fully who he says he is or he is no God at all.

As I think about these dichotomies, either God is kind or he is not, he is good or he is not, he loves us or he does not, my heart feels a certain measure of conviction as I realize I am sometimes not all that different from the Israelites. 

When the journey through the wilderness has proven far different than I would have hoped, there have been times I too have grumbled quietly in my heart. There have been times that I too have questioned the plans of God. While the words, “the Lord has hated me“ have not been uttered from my lips, I recognize more and more that my heart is not that far different from that of the Israelites.

The Israelites were quick to forget, and so am I. They served a God who freed them from slavery, and God has freed me from slavery to sin. They served a God that made a way through the sea on dry ground; an impossible escape from the enemy. Christ made a way through the impossible for me; a way of escape from the penalty of sin and death. The journey for the Israelites was quite different than what they had hoped, and the journey that God has me on is quite different than I would have hoped. And just like the Israelites grumbled in their tents, quietly where no one else could hear them or listen to their grumblings against God, I too have grumbled in my heart. I have questioned his kindness and his goodness as my grief and confusion have, at times, overwhelmed me.

I have never before believed that God has hated me, yet through the quiet conviction of the Spirit, I am recognizing that there are times that the posture of my heart speaks a different message. At the root, my own doubting or questioning of God’s character or plans is the same as the grumbling of the Israelites. How easy it is to question God when the journey does not meet our hopes or expectations. It is I, however, who am in the wrong. God has been faithful.

Why does my heart quietly murmur or question God? The answer lies in my expectations of who I wanted God to be rather than who he has promised he is. I think it may have been the same for the Israelites as well.

God showed himself as mighty and powerful over the Israelite’s oppressor, Egypt. He gave them experiences of his might and power that they could neither deny nor ignore. He also required their obedience; even when they did not know where they were going or how long it would take. He asked them to trust him as he led them into the desert. He allowed them to wander and with each new phase of wandering, a new layer of their willful hearts was exposed.

So how, in the midst of our deepest sorrows and suffering, as layers of our own hearts are peeled back, can we believe rightly about God? How can we combat our hearts that so easily and quickly betray us? It must be that we return to God’s word and consider what he has actually promised.

God has promised that in this world we will have trouble (John 16:33), so it should not surprise us when it comes. He has promised that there will be sorrows and battles (Matthew 24:8). There is the promise of death for everyone (Romans 6:23). There is the promise of affliction (2 Cor. 4:17). If God did not spare his own son from suffering the sorrows of this world, can we expect any less (Romans 8:32)? On the other hand, never has God promised to heal us on this earth (although at times, he does bring healing). Never has God promised to pull us out of our suffering (although at times, he does pull us out). Never has God promised to make a smooth path or bring victory in every battle (although at times, he does bring victory or smooth paths).

In the midst of these promises of suffering, sorrow and death are also God’s promises of his goodness, kindness and faithfulness. God’s promise is that he is with us (Isaiah 43:1-2). He has promised that he will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). He has promised that he will hold us (Isaiah 41:10). He has promised he will remain faithful, even when we are faithless (2 Tim. 2:13). God has promised he will take every horrible thing and turn it to good (Romans 8:28). He has promised salvation for those who love him (John 3:16). He has promised that he hears us when we cry to him (Jeremiah 29:12). He has promised that he is compassionate and kind, even when we struggle to believe it (Isaiah 54:10).

The list could go on and on, but the reality is, God is faithful and remains faithful to everything he has promised, including allowing sorrow and suffering to deeply affect his children. So what does this look like in the midst of suffering?

When Ezra was sick and dying from cancer, I wanted God’s faithfulness to look like a miraculous healing. I wanted him to reach down and heal Ezra’s body and I wanted my song of praise to be that God was the Healer who brought my son from the jaws of death. Instead, Ezra died. Yet God was no less faithful, no less kind or good.

In the midst of Ezra’s suffering, God held Ezra’s soul; his faith remained. In the midst of Ezra’s pain, God remained near. He was with Ezra. Not once did Ezra turn in anger against God. In fact, the more sick Ezra became, the deeper his faith grew; the more he praised God. This makes no sense from human understanding. God was faithful to cause Ezra to endure, just as he promised. He was faithful to bring Ezra home when death, which was promised, finished its work on Ezra’s body. God kept every promise he made to Ezra.

For me, I have wrestled deeply with God in my own pain, confusion, and sorrow. I have been angry and, at times, questioned his kindness. I have, at times, doubted his goodness. In the midst of all my confusion, despite my doubt and anger, my standing before the Lord has remained secure. Not once has God’s love changed towards me. Not once has he grown weary of my tears. Never has he left me. Because of Christ, my position before God remains the same: Beloved daughter of the King. God has been faithful as I have been faithless. He has remained true to everything he has promised to me.

It turns out that I am not that much different than the Israelites afterall. The journey has been different than I would have hoped. It has been far more painful and grueling than I would have ever anticipated. It has taken twists and turns that have been painful and, at times, unrelenting. As I consider my own heart, I have a lot more empathy for the Israelites. While their words seem rather dramatic, assuming their suffering was because the, “Lord hated” them, the reality is, when I have questioned God, my heart has the same roots as that of the Israelites. The truth is, God loves us relentlessly and has also promised difficulty. It is actually in the midst of difficulty that we see so clearly God’s faithfulness on display. He has promised that he will be with us, will help us endure, will hear us. There is nothing that will cause him to stop loving us. That is his promise.

What a good God. He has warned us of hardship. We should not be surprised. He has warned us the journey will be difficult, wrought with suffering and sorrow. We should not be shocked. And he has promised us that none of the journey will destroy our faith. He has promised that none of the sorrow or loss will allow us to lose his love. He will be with us. He will help us endure. The promised land is coming, even if the journey is difficult.