Faithful Paradox

Our church hosts a monthly prayer night where we pray for healing for those in our body who are suffering. If I’m honest, I’ve found that attending is harder for me than I would have anticipated.

A piece of belief I’m relearning is how to pray in faith and expectation as I hold loss so close to my heart. It’s still hard for me to pray with expectation when it comes to asking God to bring healing. I have attended several of these prayer meetings and each time, I am confronted with my own weakness in faith born out of deep disappointment.

I know “without faith it’s impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). Jesus also assures his followers that, “whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him” (Mark 11:22-23). This feels like a significant area of weakness for me right now; how do I believe in my heart and not doubt? I don’t actually know.

As I consider my heart, my struggle does not come in whether or not I believe that God is able to heal; I believe that God is able to do all that pleases him. Rather, my struggle comes in believing whether or not God is willing; at least in the timeframe I am hoping and praying. I know one day in eternity, all these prayers will find their yes in Christ, but waiting for that day is difficult. Hoping that God’s kingdom will come, that his will would be done on earth as it is in heaven feels too intangible to hold right now as my broken heart continues to heal.

It is in these times of seeing my weakness in faith exposed that I am grateful for God’s word. God’s word is full of people who did not “get it right” all the time. It’s full of people who also struggled to believe rightly, which offers so much encouragement.

This past week I was reading about God’s call on Gideon. The angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon and said, “The Lord is with you!” (Judges 6:12). Gideon’s response feels so relatable. “Please, my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us? (Judges 6:13).

“Please, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us?”

“Please, if you are with us, why has your answer been no when we’ve needed you most?”

“Please, if you are with us, why did it not come to pass as we prayed and trusted?”

It makes it hard to press forward in faith when disappointment has come so close so many times. It’s painful. It’s confusing. It’s difficult when grief is still so near. What does one do when hope feels difficult because disappointment has been such a part of the story? What does one do with this weakness, even as she fights for right belief? I think the answer is found not looking at the holder of the weakness, but rather looking at God. It’s found in God’s response to Gideon.

Gideon asks questions of God; wondering where he had been in the midst of suffering. He questions God and his faith seems to be built on shaky legs. While God certainly heard Gideon’s questions, he does not respond to any of them, nor does he explain himself. God doest not reveal any part of his reasoning or offer any reassurance in Gideon’s experience. He simply says, “I will be with you” (Judges 6:16).

Disappointment with God’s plans, especially when we can make no sense of them, is difficult. It’s painful. As Gideon questioned God, his response to Gideon was not to entertain his questions, but rather, it was to remind him of what he had promised; his presence. God didn’t teach Gideon through answering his questions. God taught Gideon by showing him who he was. He gently pushed Gideon towards obedience, in spite of his doubts. God patiently and gently built Gideon’s faith and confidence in his faithful presence. And if this is what God did for Gideon, I think it’s the same for us.

Even if past disappointments have left doubt about what God may still do as we pray, even if anticipation and hope can feel difficult, God is patiently and gently building faith as he reveals over and over who he is. He is near to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. He is kind and gracious. He is patient. He is faithful. He is compassionate. He is slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love.

Much like Gideon, God has not answered my questions nor has he engaged my doubts but he has shown me he is faithful in the midst of those doubts. God revealed to Gideon that truly, as Gideon’s weaknesses were exposed, God’s power was shown to be perfect and he has done the same for me.

Struggling with faith to believe that God will move feels like a significant weakness right now. It feels like a hurdle I don’t know how to overcome, and yet somehow, this weakness of mine can become a strength because it will display the power of God. Somehow, this struggle to pray with faith will make much of God’s sufficiency, even if I have no clue what that will look like at this point. I don’t really understand how this works and yet in God’s economy, weakness showcases God’s sufficiency. I know I can keep trying to press forward in faith and even when my weakness is exposed once again, God will remain faithful. It’s simply who he is.