Faithful Paradox

I am mom to four teenaged boys. Two have seen the Charlie Kirk shooting, two have not. As a mom, as a Christian, and as one who has a Masters in Counseling, the fact that 60% of children have watched real world acts of violence on social media is both concerning and alarming.

As parents, what is both our calling and our responsibility as we shepherd our kids through the ever growing culture of accessible violence via social media? How do we help our kids process these things? As I consider my own children and engaging them in this battle, five things come to mind.

1. It is normal to be curious

We can begin by affirming in our children that their curiosity about current events is normal. It was not Eve’s curiosity about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that was sin; but her curiosity opened the door to sin.

God has made us to be curious creatures. Our curiosity can lead to beautiful things like learning to wonder about God and his creation, stronger and healthier relationships, greater creativity, among many other beautiful and good things. Our curiosity can also lead us to view and do things that are not pleasing to God. God has put safeguards in place for our good.

As we talk with our kids, affirm in them that God has designed them to be curious and this is a good and beautiful thing. At the same time, warn them that their curiosity is a gift to be tended and not a hunger to always feed. It may be that they are curious about what they are hearing from friends or in their social media feed. As they navigate wisdom, encourage them to consider a few questions before they engage their curiosity.

• Why am I wanting to watch this?
• Am I considering what is both pleasing to the Lord and also what is good for my heart and mind?
• Am I simply wanting to understand what everyone else is viewing and would there be value in me watching this?

2. Consider how what you view is affecting your brain and heart

When we see something alarming, it is often our tendency to try to move past it quickly; to shove it down into our subconscious and try to pretend like it was not seen. We may also go back to the event and watch it over and over, hoping in some way that rehearsing it and reviewing it will bring resolution.

Without realizing it, our brains can develop a compulsive cycle of seeking out scenes that evoke emotion. Beyond that, our brains are made to rehearse what we have seen. It does not matter if we believe that our brains can handle excessive trauma; the truth is that the brain structure itself is altered as we view more and more traumatic scenes. The areas of our brains that help us survive are triggered to over-react and the areas of our brains that are wired for emotional regulation and memory are weakened.

There is research around the attacks on 9/11 and evidence shows that those who watched more news coverage of the attacks were up to four times more likely to experience symptoms similar to PTSD than those who did not watch as much news. As much as we want to believe that our minds and brains are resilient and can handle endless views of violence, science shows that this simply is not true.

Beyond that, Scripture encourages us to think on “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Phil. 4:8). There must be an active choice to both view and think about the things that God tells us will be best for us. Encourage your kids to consider; are the things I’m choosing to watch helping me think about the things God has said is best for me? If not, what do I need to do to change this? It’s not enough to simply acknowledge that what is being viewed is not helpful. Our kids need help in creating a sustainable path forward in learning what it is to contend for what is good and beautiful.

3. Don’t just try to forget

If your child has watched videos that have left them feeling unsettled or shaken up, it is not possible for them to simply forget what they have viewed. Rather than encouraging them to just stop thinking about it, help them learn to intentionally think about something else. This in and of itself is an act of taking captive every thought and “making it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).

In Matthew 12, Jesus tells a parable of an unclean spirit that left a person. When it returned, it found the house, “empty, swept and put in order” (Matthew 12:44). The demon not only returned, but he also brought with him seven more spirits, more evil than himself. The evil spirit came back to an empty house, which made it easy to occupy. Had he returned to a house that was full of good, beautiful and right things, he would have had a harder time re-entering this space.

This parable can apply to the way our minds work when we are exposed to traumatic events. We cannot simply forget what we saw; we must empty, sweep and put in order our minds, and beyond that, we must also then fill our minds with what is good, right, excellent praiseworthy and true.

We are called to be renewed in the spirit of our minds (Eph. 4:22-24) and this takes an active stance in not simply trying to forget what we saw, but also then trying to replace it with something else. Regardless if your child is struggling with what they saw online or not, encourage them to talk about what they experienced. What has left them feeling affected? Are they afraid? Are they grieving? Are they scared? Do they feel indifferent? How are their hearts affected by what they viewed?

Something I have practiced with my children is encouraging them in moments of struggle to consider, where is Jesus in this scene? If they can imagine the thing that is haunting them, ask God to show them where Jesus may have been in that picture that is in their mind. As the memory comes back over and over, take time to reframe the frightening scene with a focus on Jesus’ presence in that moment and then as the picture is repeated in the mind, allow the presence of Jesus to be the primary focus, not the traumatic event. This can slowly rewire the brain to focus on something other than the trauma.

4. Hate what God hates

We are so over-exposed to violence these days that it is easy to become numbed to it. It is easy for our children to become so accustomed to acts of violence that they are lulled into believing that these things are normal. The truth is, we need to help our children recognize that violence is not something to be celebrated or championed – it is a result of living in a fallen world. We need to create intentional space to help our children learn to grieve these things and not simply move past them.

Even my kids who did not see the video of Charlie Kirk came home from school with stories from other children. As much as we want to protect our kids and shelter them from these things, the truth is, if they are out in the world, they will learn of them to some degree. As parents, we need to set the stage of how we want our children (who are of an appropriate age) to understand these events. We must talk about these events with our children.

If your kids seem calloused or overly exposed to these things, help your children recognize that feeling indifferent or unaffected by these acts of violence does not reflect God’s heart. Do not in any way shame them for feeling unaffected, but guide their hearts toward the things God loves. Ask God to break their hearts for the things that break his heart. Recognize that violence is not celebrated or championed in Scripture, rather, it is a piece of living in a fallen world.

5. Pray

Wherever your children may be on the spectrum of seeing horrific events online or hearing about the events from friends, take time to pray with them. Remind them that these events grieve God’s heart and he will bring justice one day. Do not just assume that because they are not talking about it, they are okay; ask them how these things are affecting them. Invite them into conversation. It’s okay for you to share with them how you are feeling as well. Model for your kids what it is to grieve and lament the brokenness of this world.

Beyond that, ask them if they could go back and do it all over again, would they watch these videos? If their answer is no, ask them how that can affect them moving forward? Could they take a break from social media? Could they better curate their feed? Could they hesitate to open things from friends if they think it may be something that could lead them to struggle?

Pray with your kids. This is an opportunity for intentional and purposeful shepherding. It is not a time to allow complacency to rule. Our children need to know that watching these acts of violence is not normal or what God intended. They need to know that God’s heart breaks over this evil. They also need help in learning what it is to contend for faith, truth, and peace.