Faithful Paradox

Next Monday, September 29, will mark three years since Ezra left this earth. Grief is disorienting in that at times, three years feels like an eternity and in other ways, it seems as if we lost him a few weeks ago. I’m not sure my mind can comprehend quite yet that it will be three years.

As we stepped into the month of September, my heart felt the dread of the 29th. There are so many painful days this month; memories that bubble up and remind me of the pain and suffering Ezra endured. It is still a piece of grief that feels raw to me; the question of why he had to suffer as he did? I don’t know that I will ever get an answer to this question and so it is a piece of sorrow I am working to lay down at the feet of Jesus and trust that there was something in it, even though I cannot begin to understand the why of it.

As pain resurfaces, I find that I must contend for faith more fiercely than I do in the normal day to day of things. If “faith comes from hearing and hearing through the word of Christ,” (Romans 10:17) part of my practice has been speaking what is true out loud; trying to allow the truth of God’s word to be heard by my own ears throughout the day with belief that hearing the word of God will bring some measure of comfort as faith is fortified.

I find on weeks like these, where grief feels exceptionally heavy, I remind myself often that this earth is not my home. Hebrews 13:14 says that “we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for a city to come.” First Peter 2:11 says that we are exiles on this earth. Philippians 3:20 says that our citizenship is in heaven. I also remind myself that this grief that I carry will be gone one day; “there will no longer be mourning, crying or pain” (Rev. 21:4).

As I speak these truths, however, I also find that I tend to create a sense of black-and-white in my brain; the earth is bad, heaven is good. It’s easy in these times of grief and sorrow to disdain this world. It’s easy to long for heaven and to believe that this world has nothing for me. The truth, however, is that there is so much good here on earth, even if it is a shadow of what is to come, even if it has all been tainted by the sin and brokenness of this world. There are even things we get to enjoy on earth, things of beauty, that we may not get to enjoy in heaven.

While I am certain that God will more than make up for these pieces of beauty on earth that may not remain, I have tried to think about and find delight in these things that are unique pieces of life here on earth. While God designed me to long for eternity with him, I believe he also wants me to enjoy what he has for me today. After all, “this is the day the Lord has made [so] I will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24).

I will say up front, I don’t understand all the ins and outs of how life after death works. I know that Jesus told the thief on the cross next to him that “today you will be with me in paradise” (Luke 23:43). Paul tells us that “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord” (2 Cor. 5:8). I also know that Jesus is coming back to earth and will restore all things and we will, with Christ, reign here on earth. I know there will be a resurrection of dead in Christ (1 Thes. 4:16).

Since losing Ezra, I have thought a lot more about life after death and what that may look like. There are pieces that I think we simply cannot know or understand yet, while there are also of pieces we can be sure are true. As I think of the afterlife, as I contend for faith and joy today, a few things have come to mind that push me to rejoice, regardless of how they actually play out. I believe that God has given me good gifts to enjoy today and these gifts may not be a part of heaven, so I fight to enjoy them today.

I live in Colorado (which is in itself a good gift from God) and while our days are still warm right now, the evenings are very cool. We often sleep with the windows open and I awoke the other morning to a chilly house. I snuggled up to the warmth of my husband to combat the chill of my room and as I lay there, I had the thought that this is fleeting; it is good and beautiful and yet it will not be the same in heaven. Scripture tells us that “people will not marry or be given in marriage” at the resurrection (Matthew 22:30), so my relationship with my husband will change. I know that intimacy with Christ will more than suffice and I will not miss this piece of marriage, but marriage is a good gift from God that I get to enjoy here on earth. It is fleeting and passing, but it is meant for my good and enjoyment. It is a gift from God to be enjoyed today.

This also made me think of my children. Because marriage will be no more, it leads me to believe that procreation will also cease. With this in mind, I am led to a deep appreciation for and enjoyment of my children and the fact that I have gotten to experience what it is to be a mom here on earth. I don’t know what my relationship with my sons will look like in eternity, but I do know that being a mother is a unique gift from God that I get to experience today. I’m thankful for this incredible gift. I am confident that whatever my relationship with my boys is, it will be sweeter and more beautiful than it is now, but being a mom is a good gift that I get to experience here on earth. I’m grateful for this reminder.

One of my sons had a birthday last week and we had steak for dinner. I am not sure that there will be meat in heaven since meat requires death. I know that God will more than satisfy any craving I have, but meat is a good gift from God that I get to enjoy right now that I may not have in heaven.

Living in Colorado, we also get to enjoy magnificent sunrises and sunsets. Each morning as the sun rises, there are often hues of red and orange that streak across the sky. Every morning when I see this, my heart confesses that truly “the heavens declare the glory of the Lord” (Psalm 19:1). In the evening, as the sun dips behind the mountain tops, there is a glow of beauty and the dark outline of the Rocky Mountains reminds me of God’s faithfulness throughout the day. Revelation 21:23 tells us that there will one day be no need of the sun or moon because “the glory of the Lord gives light.” Again, I imagine there will be more delight and joy than we can imagine because we will be with Christ, yet I wonder if sunrises and sunsets may be something that we will no longer get to enjoy?

Finally, fall is my favorite time of year and fall leaves are one of my favorite pieces of nature. The brilliant reds and yellows, pinks, oranges and so many hues of green always brings my heart to a place of worship. I love walking through a pile of freshly fallen leaves, allowing the crunch under foot to delight my ears. As I consider heaven, I am not sure that there will be fall leaves in heaven. Here on earth, leaves are part of a life cycle of decay and renewal and since there will be no more death or dying, I don’t know what that will look like with leaves on trees. I am sure that God will more than make up for any loss I may feel with fall leaves. I am confident that the colors and hues in heaven will far surpass anything here on earth, but I am also reminded that there is beauty on this earth to be enjoyed and treasured because one day, these things that are glorious now, while being even more glorious in eternity, may also be different.

As I battle through grief this month; as next Monday looms over me and grief seems to be the loudest voice most days, one way I contend for the joy of the Lord is to remind myself that there are pieces of life here on earth that are to be enjoyed today because they may not be a part of the life we will continue to live. While I am certain that these things will not be missed and I am confident that I will not grieve their loss, there are unique parts of life that can only be enjoyed today because one day they may be no more. I have found that speaking the truth of God’s word, anticipating eternity with Christ, and also dwelling on the good and beautiful things of this earth is a way to discipline my heart towards praise when the sorrow wants to overwhelm me. It is a companion that can walk side by side with the hope of eternity of Christ.