Faithful Paradox

Something I love about God’s word is that I can read the same passage during different seasons in life, and because it is living and active and because the Spirit is at work, things I have read previously suddenly have new meaning, trigger new thoughts, and bring new conviction.

I was recently reading in the Gospel according to John. Upon hearing that his friend Lazarus was sick, Jesus directs his disciples to head to Judea. The disciples push against Jesus’ plan. The last time they had been in Judea, the Jews tried to stone Jesus (John 11:8). It’s reasonable they were hesitant to return. It’s understandable they did not want to go back. After hearing Jesus’ plan, however, Thomas says to the other disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him” (John 11:16).

What stands out to me in this passage is that it is Thomas who is leading with boldness and courage. Thomas, famously remembered by the moniker Doubting Thomas, shows courageous leadership and devotion to Jesus. There is no doubt, no hesitation. He leads the other disciples to follow Jesus despite the risk of being stoned. He is loyal and fearless in his fidelity and love; enough to follow Jesus into a potentially volatile and dangerous situation.

This stood out to me because I’m not sure I have ever noticed the courage of Thomas, especially when it is contrasted to his hesitation to believe in the resurrection of Jesus. It stood out to me because I think it so clearly shows the reality of faith and belief; it is not static but changes, adapts, and rebuilds, especially after suffering and loss.

I love God’s word because it gives us beautiful pictures of men and women who did not have perfect faith and belief (as if there were such a thing outside of Christ). Rather they, like me, fumbled their way through it all while Christ remains faithful. If all we knew of Thomas is what is seen in John 11, we would see him as a bold, courageous leader; a devoted follower of Jesus ready to follow him to the point of death. On the other hand, if all we knew of Thomas is what we see of him in John 20, we would see him as a hesitant skeptic who required proof in order to believe. In God’s kindness, he gives us a picture of Thomas that reveals both his bold faith and also his brokenhearted questioning. I relate deeply with Thomas and in that, there is great encouragement.

I find I have had seasons like Thomas where I have possessed bold, courageous leadership. I was ready to step into the fire with Jesus, encouraging those with me to do the same. And now? If someone only knew me in the last three years, I imagine they might wonder about my faith as I find I’m in a season where my broken heart has led me, much like Thomas, to questioning. I am not doubting my foundation of faith. I am not questioning the truth of the Gospel or the reality of the cross, but I have wrestled deeply with how faith plays out in the midst of sorrow.

I appreciate that we see snapshots of Thomas in different seasons of life. As he wrestled, he was still bold in his assertions; that piece of him did not change. “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe” (John 20:25). I think we learn from Thomas that bold, courageous, authentic faith does not prohibit hard questions, rather it allows for wrestling and questioning.

Jesus met Thomas in the very place of wrestling and questioning and he gave him what he needed to rebuild his faith. He did not condemn or rebuke him for his doubts, but rather graciously gave him exactly what he needed to strengthen his faith. He appeared to him and invited him to touch his wounds and see for himself. “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe” (John 20:27).

If I’m honest, it feels unsettling being in a season where wrestling feels more like the norm than not. It feels disorienting to have questions at the forefront of my mind. I can’t help but wonder if Thomas felt the same sense of being disoriented and unsettled? I suspect he may have. If Jesus responded to Thomas with so much patience and grace, however, I think it must be the same for me. Sorrow and loss have a way that bring about wrestling and questions. I am encouraged as I consider that Jesus gave Thomas just what he needed to rebuild his faith and I think he will do the same for me.

Through Jesus’ patient, tender shepherding, Thomas grew from saying, “I will never believe” to proclaiming once again, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28). He went from being one of bold courage to one wrestling with doubt. Yet when he was met with the understanding patience of Jesus, his courage and boldness were restored. And if church tradition can be trusted, Thomas returned to his bold, courageous, loyal faith and established a church before being martyred for that very faith.

From Thomas, I think we learn that the sorrows of life can bring about questions and doubts. Yet Jesus, in his loving kindness and tender mercy, is willing to meet us at the place of our doubts. He shows us his nail pierced hands and wounded side knowing that the courage and boldness in belief that previously existed will flourish once again.