Faithful Paradox

I’m in a season of transition as a mom; entering the “twilight years” of parenting as I have known it. My eldest son graduated to heaven in 2022 and my role of mothering him is finished. My second eldest son has moved out and is living independently. My middle son is leaving for university in just a month. I have two sons left at home. My youngest is entering high school this fall and the fact that I only have four years left with him under my roof is very close to the forefront of my mind.

I imagine this reality has created a sense of sentimentality and contemplation. In these times of reflection, I find myself thinking often about choices we made as parents. There are absolutely things I wish we could go back and do over; places we missed our boys’ hearts or were too rigid. There are other things, however, I would choose again. It’s interesting to me that some of the things I would choose again started out as rhythms born out of necessity; things I would not have chosen but were done due to limitations. They were rhythms and systems we put in place because it is what made sense or what resources allowed. Yet with hindsight, these necessities created systems and rhythms that became foundational pieces for our family. They were God’s mercies disguised as limitations. In this season of reflection and hindsight, they are things I would encourage young parents to consider as they create their own family rhythms.

One of these rhythms is breakfast together as a family. When my boys were little, we would always eat breakfast together out of necessity. Trying to wrangle and feed five young men ages 7 and under was no small task, so out of necessity, we would always gather around the breakfast table together. We homeschooled for a number of years, so this rhythm remained an easy one to practice. What I found, however, is that as my boys began to launch into school, we kept this rhythm in place. Even now, when school is in session, we gather at 6:30 for family breakfast. Mind you, it is not an extravagant meal. It is often something simple like yogurt and fruit or eggs and toast, but the rhythm of starting the day together has become foundational in our family over the years.

While breakfast together began as something practical, it has grown into a rhythm of connection and intentionality. We read the Word together and pray as we head our separate ways for the day. It is certainly inconvenient for everyone. It requires an adjustment to schedules and sacrifice from every person. I have found, however, the value of sending our kids off each day with intentionality and prayer is worth the sacrifice. It was a rhythm we did not set out to create, but has become foundational within our family.

In addition to breakfast together, for the vast majority of my boys’ lives, they have shared rooms. This began out of necessity, as we had far more family members than bedrooms. As my kids have launched and bedrooms have opened up, we have still chosen to have boys share rooms. For my kids, bedrooms have always been for sleeping, not necessarily for personal space.

There are times we all need space to pull away; this is human nature. As my boys have grown and matured, this desire for space has grown with them. In many ways, this is a part of learning independence as they move toward adulthood.

While I understand my perspective is somewhat counter to what is often taught in child psychology, I have never tried to make our boys’ bedrooms a haven of retreat for them. Sharing a room has meant they do not always have a private space to pull away. They have had to learn to engage difficult, oftentimes annoying habits of their brother-roommates, even when they don’t want to. They have had to learn to navigate deep and difficult emotions without the opportunity to isolate and turn inwards. It has caused them to grow in ways I think they would not have otherwise grown.

While sharing a room has meant that they have not had a place to pull away and isolate from the family, the flip side of that is it has, in some ways, forced them to remain engaged or at least present in the family space. Sharing a room has pushed against the self-focused tendencies that tend to grow dramatically during those teenage years.

We did not set out with the intention to have our boys share rooms; it was born out of necessity. If I’m honest, for many years I longed for more space for them. I thought it would ease the incessant bickering and squabbling that tends to be a part of sibling relationships. Yet had I to do it all over again, even if we had ample bedrooms, I would still have had my boys share rooms for far longer than they would have liked.

Another rhythm I am realizing that was born out of necessity which has grown into a foundational piece of our family is that of Saturday night family time. My husband is a pastor. Sunday mornings are a heavy workday that begins very early for him. Because of this, we have always guarded Saturday nights out of necessity.

Simultaneously, worshiping together as a family is of highest priority for us. The discipline of family worship on Sunday is a decision made long before Sunday morning. Many years ago, we began a rhythm of having a family night on Saturday night. In part it was out of necessity to guard my husband’s schedule, but in many ways, it was something we chose to institute as a family to prioritize family worship on Sunday.

We typically have a simple meal which always includes popcorn as the star and we spend casual time together. While there have certainly been times that our boys have had other plans on Saturday evenings, most weekends we have found they choose to be home for this time. It has been a rhythm we began practicing when they were very young and it has followed them into adulthood.

One of the gifts I am finding in this twilight season of mothering children still at home is that many of the things that felt difficult or even like disappointments, I now see as kindness from God. There were seasons where I longed for my boys to have more space. It felt like it would have been so much easier if they had a space they could pull away. I longed for days when they would make their own breakfast and their independence grew. Looking back, I can see now that these things, which felt burdensome at times, or in the very least were wearying disciplines or responsibilities, have become foundational pieces of who my boys are; who we are as a family. I can more easily see God’s grace and the way he does work all things together for good.

I imagine every family has things they have done out of necessity which have become foundational to who they are. I now understand that these things are a grace given by God. A gift in the later season of parenting is the ability to see more clearly the thread of God’s kindness woven throughout the tapestry of my family.

My encouragement to those who may be a season behind me in parenting: Do what you can to create intentional rhythms within your family and also recognize that God is one who can take the mundane faithfulness born out of necessity and turn it into a beautiful foundation.

I’m grateful for this season, where I can see the grace of the Lord leading us, even when we didn’t set out to create these foundational pieces of our family. All of these rhythms began out of necessity, yet grew into things we would choose all over again had we the opportunity to revisit these younger years with our boys. It’s a gift to be able to see so much evidence of God’s kindness.