Faithful Paradox

Welcome! I’m so glad you’re here. If I’m being totally honest, I’m not sure if people even read blogs anymore!?! But alas, I process through writing, so even if no one reads it, the process has been helpful for me and since you’re here right now, I hope it’s helpful for you too!

I don’t know about you, but for me, faith has always felt hard. I wish it didn’t. I wish that because God has said it in his Word, I believed it, even when life gets hard. For me, faith often feels like a paradox. A paradox is a statement or situation that may be true but seems impossible or difficult to understand. That’s what faith in Jesus feels like to me… something that is true but is often impossible or difficult to understand. At times, remaining faithful feels like a battle.

In the midst of this battle for faithfulness is also the reality that I am a deeply empathetic person. There are many beautiful things to this type of personality, and yet as with all things, there are also some deep flaws. One of the flaws I have to navigate when my faith and personality collide is that if something doesn’t feel true, it’s hard to believe it is true.

Now don’t get me wrong; I believe the Bible is God’s Word. I believe that God does not and cannot lie. I believe that the things he says are true… but at times, it’s really hard for me to believe it. Maybe you can relate?

For example, I have felt abandoned by God. I know God’s Word. I know it says he will never leave me or forsake me (Heb. 13:5, Deut 31:6-8). Despite knowing the Word, my experience of God’s silence has been so real, so long and so painful that my feelings of abandonment became far more real and easier to believe than believing in a loving God who was present but silent. 

I dealt with crippling anxiety for much of my 20’s. I did everything I knew to battle it – I prayed, fasted, memorized Scripture, had people pray with me, over me, for me. I adjusted my diet, my lifestyle, my life. I cried out to God in the midst of horrendous panic attacks and was met with silence. I cried out to God over and over and over, pleading for help and never got the help for which I was hoping.

I knew God’s Word. I knew it said that he would never leave me – but my experience was such that I began to question and doubt. I felt totally abandoned. I felt totally ignored. I felt totally unseen by God who promised to be near (Ps 34:18).

My feelings led me to believe something that was not true; I believed I was abandoned. No amount of logic could convince me otherwise. It was a paradox of faith – God said he would never leave me, but it felt impossible to believe.

My hope in writing is to unravel some of these knots of faith that, over years and decades, have been tied incorrectly. My hope is that as I write, you may find small pockets of encouragement to remain faithful, even when faith feels like a paradox to you because the truth is, you are not alone. For some, faith comes easily. For others, it is a battle for faithfulness, one belief at a time.

I’m glad you’re here. I hope you leave encouraged and a little more emboldened to remain faithful in the paradox.