Faithful Paradox

I find, since losing Ezra, that I have been wrestling a lot with the sovereignty of God. I am not doubting that God is sovereign (meaning that he is in control of all things and that nothing comes to us outside of his hand). My wrestling is not that God is sovereign. But rather, what does the character of God look like in conjunction with his sovereignty.

I tend to travel in a lot of circles that focus on the sovereignty of God, a belief in the authority of Scripture, and salvation through grace. I believe deeply in these things. It is easy, however, in these circles to often emphasize the sovereignty of God, forgetting that his sovereignty cannot be separated from his character; his tenderness, his kindness, and his gentleness.

For some, the doctrine of the sovereignty of God is a balm in times of suffering and confusion. The idea that horrible things happen and yet God is in control brings deep comfort. For others (maybe others like me), the doctrine of the sovereignty of God is both a balm and a thorn. It is comforting to know that losing Ezra was not outside of God’s plan. However, the pain, confusion and wrestling comes when I think only of God’s sovereignty and forget to remember also his tenderness, his kindness, his gentleness, and his love.

This morning, as I sat on the back porch with my Bible and my coffee, I found myself in Isaiah 38. King Hezekiah was sick and the Lord chose to heal him. He wrote out his thoughts and feelings and said (in verse 17), “Behold, it was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction.”

It was for my welfare that I had great bitterness. It is for my welfare that I have faced great bitterness. Of all the hard paradoxes in faith to navigate, this one may be at the top for me. Some how, in our pain, in our loss, in our struggles, in our bitter suffering, God knows it is for our welfare. It’s not only that it will be good… one day. It is that it is good today.

It’s easy for me to know that one day, maybe in heaven, it will be good. It will be redeemed. It will be forgotten. All the sad things will come untrue. But to know that it is good now? That is a hard, hard truth for me to swallow.

Last night, as one of my sons stood weeping in my arms as he missed his brother and fights daily for joyful endurance, it’s hard to understand how it is good now. Right now, as anxiety takes its toll on me and fights for my belief and affection, it’s hard to believe it is good now. As friends fight cancer, constant pain, the loss of children, the dissolving of marriages, unexpected loss and on and on… it’s easy to hold the hope of heaven and know that one day it will be good, but knowing that because God has allowed whatever the trial, he knows that this great bitterness is for our welfare. That is a paradox of faith that is incredibly difficult to swallow.

But Hezekiah also said, “in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction.” Some how, although I cannot see or understand it, God is also delivering me from the pit of destruction – not despite the bitterness, but because of it. Some how, God is taking what is broken, confusing, angering, painful, and devastating – the very things that we feel may crush us – and in his love, he uses these very crushing blows to deliver us. From what? I am unsure we can always see or understand that. Isaiah 40:28 says that God’s “understanding is unsearchable.” Even if we try to understand, it’s unsearchable. We will never be able to figure out it.

God’s sovereignty, his promise to “work all things together for good for those who love him” is a truth that’s hard to believe at times (Romans 8:28). It’s a truth that can be incredibly confusing as we wait to see the good that God will bring. And yet it’s truth. God is in control of all things, I do believe this. And yet his control is also one of loving kindness, tenderness, and gentleness. What feels like crushing blows are actually gently placed arrows that hit precisely where God intended them to hit – not in spite of, but rather because of his love, his kindness, his goodness.

This is hard truth. God is sovereign. He is good. He is kind. Nothing comes apart from his hand… and sometimes, those things hurt deeply. Once again, they are good gifts that feel bad. They are good gifts that leave us confused. It will be good… one day. I am still wrestling with knowing that it is good today. The paradox of faith that is unsearchable.