Faithful Paradox

Dear Anxiety,

As I think of you, I confess that my feelings for you are cold. The impact you’ve had on my life leaves me resenting you; wishing you were gone. You are one who seems to linger and has no understanding of social cues. You lurk, standing behind dark corners, watching and waiting for the moment you will pounce. You invite yourself into spaces and places that you are unwanted. You arrive unannounced and stay far longer than any would desire. At your hands have come countless sleepless nights, days of racing thoughts, a heart that cannot settle. I feel you in my body and I hate it. With you comes panic and terror as you race through my mind in ways that feel uncontrollable. Your presence is exhausting. You have brought more weariness and discouragement than any other force in my life.

I have hated you for as many years as you have lived with me. I have wished you gone, prayed for your demise, believed you would leave, only to be left with frustration and confusion when you insist on staying. I have seen you as a foe to overcome; an enemy to fight. Your occupancy in my mind, more than any other in my life, has caused me to wrestle with and question my God. Your presence, at times, has felt much more sure, much more real than that of Jesus. Your return has felt as certain as the rising of the sun. I have resented you and longed for the day when you will leave and never return. And you have assured me that you are here to stay; as long as I have breath, you promise to attend me.

You have left me living in defeat; discouraged and overcome with fear. You have invaded my thoughts like an aggressive intruder that has left me feeling conquered by an unseen but ever present enemy. I have hated you, resented you, longed for your demise. 

Over the decades of knowing you now, I have tried to learn to live with you. I have tried to let you go. I have tried to allow my heart towards you soften. What if, rather than seeing you as an aggressor to wrestle, I began to see you as a companion to walk beside? What if I tried to partner with you and learn to accept you as a part of my story, rather than seeing you as an enemy to resist?

Despite this shift of thought, you still torture my mind. Even as a companion in my life, I still struggle with your presence. You represent all that I cannot control and in this, lies the true root of my fear. I have only seen in you what has been taken from me, what I cannot control, rather than seeing what God has given me because of you.

Because of you, dear anxiety, I have been given a broken and contrite heart. Because of you, anxiety, I have been given countless opportunities to surrender. Because of you, unnumbered pleas have been spoken to my God, asking him for help and care. I have learned endurance because of you. Anxiety, you have left me broken and humbled, unable to pull myself up by my own strength. You have destroyed any illusion of self sufficiency and have caused me to seek out others to intercede on my behalf; inviting others to battle along side as we plead with God for relief. You have left me feeling broken and exhausted, longing for my God to meet me in intimate ways. You have destroyed any illusion of control I have, showing me over and over that I am not in control of my life or the circumstances that come. You have showed me that I am weak and unable to endure, apart from the sustaining power of Jesus. You have reminded me over and over that this world is broken and you have left me longing for heaven when one day, this battle will be over. You have made the still, small voice of my Savior ever sweeter as I strain to hear his whisper above the torrent of noise in my head. You have broken down my pride, leaving me low, causing me to count myself as one of the least of these. You have been relentless in your pursuit of my brokenness, and yet in this brokenness, I have come to reflect more of the heart of my Father.

As you have caused me to count myself among the least of these, I have also learned that the least of these is where Jesus loves to dwell. As I have found myself lying in the ashes of discouragement, I have been reminded that some how, God is shaping me and strengthening me in endurance because of your presence. I have endured your nearness and God has given me perseverance. Even as the worst fears have come to pass and what I have dreaded came to be reality, I have seen the steadfast love of God endure, beyond what the terrors have whispered.

Dear anxiety, as I consider your presence in my life for some 30 years now, my heart softens. You have desired to protect me, to warn me, to tell me of all that could go wrong so that I am prepared and ready to fight. As I look at your heart, anxiety, I know it has been for me. You have remained vigilant, ever at the ready to raise the alarm. You have sought to shield me from all of life’s dangers by continually warning me of all that could happen. You have companioned with me to protect me and guard me from all of life’s terrors. You have done your best to care for me by warning me.

Thank you, anxiety. You have been vigilant. You have been faithful. You have tried to care. You have tried to shield me and guard me from all of life’s horrors. You have done what you could. Thank you for trying to help me. 

Anxiety, now is the time that I let you go. I give you permission to leave me. I want to tell you that despite your best efforts, you cannot protect me or keep me safe. This is a work that only Jesus can do. As much as you desire it, you cannot be my savior. You cannot control anything in life. You have been my constant companion for so long, but now I surrender you to the hands of Christ. I give you into his hands and invite you to rest. He will care for me in ways you have longed to care. He will hold me in ways you have tried but cannot. 

Dear anxiety, you have shaped me in more ways than I realize and I am who I am because of you. Thank you for the work you have done at the hands of my God. It is time now for you to rest. You have been faithful. Thank you.