Faithful Paradox

We have several situations right now as a family that feel deeply challenging. So challenging, in fact, that I am unsure how they will work out. This uncertainty stirs anxiety and fear for me. While I am fighting to trust that God has a plan and his plan is good, I also continue to wrestle with trust. I continue to wrestle to believe that God’s kindness will always prevail. I suppose the doubt is not so much that his kindness will prevail, but rather, recognizing that God’s kindness does not always look and feel like kindness; at least not according to my own definition of kindness. God’s kindness involves making me more like Jesus and does not revolve around my ease or comfort.

I was recently talking with a friend about these various situations and she asked me what my struggle was in each circumstance. I essentially said I would like these things to work out the way I want. She responded correctly, “so essentially you don’t want to have to trust God. You want the control.” Ouch. Yes.

As I consider my heart, I think I often like the idea of trusting God; I know it is good and right and God-honoring. The reality is, however, there are times it is hard. There are times that it requires us to hold very open-handedly the things we treasure and desire. I am reminded that God’s kindness always prevails, but does not always look and feel like I want it to look and feel.

I sat down to spend some time trying to pray, trying to seek the Lord in these situations. In God’s providence, I found myself in Acts 26. Paul is recounting his encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus. As he was blinded by a light, he heard Jesus tell him, “…It is hard for you to kick against the goads” (Acts 26:14).

A goad is something I have looked up many times. It’s a phrase I use in everyday conversations. I tell my boys that they need to stop goading on their brothers. It is a term that I am familiar with, but it’s also one of those that I don’t actually remember what it means.

A goad is a long, thin stick that shepherds used to guide their animals. It was meant to guide them and urge them to move in the direction the leader wanted. The end of the stick was sharpened to a point. As long as the animal was moving in the right direction, it was not harmed or pained. When it decided to resist, however, maybe rebelling against the direction, it would kick against the stick, which led to it being stabbed by the pointed end. The animal’s choice to kick against the stick was the thing that brought it pain. As long as the animal was willing to be led, it was unharmed. It was only when it chose to kick against the guider, to choose its own way, that it was harmed by its own rebellion. The animal’s rebellion was the thing that brought the pain.

“It is hard for you to kick against the goads.” Paul was making a choice to kick against the goads. It was not something that was happening to him, but rather, a decision he was making. Jesus was essentially telling Paul, “you’re making this harder on yourself than it needs to be.”

I felt in this moment that God was making it clear to me, “you are making this harder than you need.” Every time I resort to fear and worry about my situations, every time I try to take control, I am kicking against the goads. I am causing harm to myself. Were I to follow the lead of my Shepherd and trust the direction he is leading, trust the things he is teaching me in this season, I would be led with gentleness. It is when I choose to try to direct my path, try to own the things that are not mine to own, try to lead and demand my own way, I kick against the goads; I wound myself with my worry and anxiety.

Of course these things are easy to recognize and so incredibly difficult to put into practice. There is the baggage that comes with faith when we ‘ve been disappointed by God; when we have followed his leadership and he did not lead in the way we wanted. There is the fear that comes with the “what ifs” as we walk this road of faith. There is the reality that God’s concern has very little to do with my comfort and everything to do with my holiness. Faith requires risk. It requires me to follow God’s leading, even when it feels hard. It requires trust in a God who has left me feeling deeply disappointed and confused. It requires that I set aside my feelings and trust who God says he is, and this feels hard.

Added to that, many times I don’t even realize that I am even kicking against the painful, pointed stick until I find myself bleeding out fear and anxiety. It is then I realize I must, once again, be demanding my own way and fighting against the Good Shepherd.

There is so much to learn in this life of faith. There are so many lessons that I must learn over and over and over. I find that by nature, I kick against the goads. I make things more difficult than they need to be. I am trying to learn what it is to submit, to surrender to God’s leading, but I am finding that I am rather slow to learn. I’m thankful to have a Gentle Shepherd that leads me as I learn.