Faithful Paradox

I have spent a lot of time over the last three years wrestling with God and his word, trying to reconcile pieces of God’s word that I know are true but have felt hard to believe. I know that when I question God, it is I who am in the wrong. It is I who have misapplied or misunderstood Scripture. Difficulty ensues when I know that I am wrong, but I cannot understand my error. When my experiences seem to be at odds with what God’s word says, I know that God’s word has the final authority. When my experiences feel different than God’s truth, I must wrestle to submit my heart to what is true, even when it doesn’t feel true. If I’m honest, it is hard at times to find peace in these spaces.

A piece of truth that has helped me reconcile God’s promises with my own experiences has been shifting the lens through which I view his promises: they are always true for my soul and sometimes true for my body. I have also begun to realize that I often have had far too short of a view of what God’s word intends.

When my son was battling cancer, there were a few key verses that I grabbed on to and fought to believe. Psalm 27:13-14 was one of those verses; “I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage.”

I have always assumed “the land of the living” meant this earth. This verse has always encouraged me to see God at work today. I have assumed this earth is where we live so God’s goodness is seen in this life; the land of the living.

As I watched my son lose his battle with cancer, I began to wrestle with the concept of the land of the living. I struggled to reconcile the goodness of the Lord. I had believed with all faith that I would see the goodness of the Lord here on earth with good defined as healing for my son. I waited for the Lord. I let my heart take courage to see the goodness of the Lord (according to my definition of good) and when God didn’t respond as I thought he would, I was left confused and hurt.

As I have chewed on this verse for three years now, I think a piece I am realizing is that, once again, I had far too short a view of what God intends in his word. I assumed that this earth was the land of the living and I would see God’s goodness here. While there are certainly countless times we can see the goodness of the Lord in our lives, I also realize more and more that this place in which we live is not the land of the living, but rather, it is the land of death and dying.

Everything and everyone will face death. Every piece of nature dies. Every human, flora, and fauna dies. This world is full of death and decay. Because of sin, death is the end for every living thing. Despite the beauty that exists, despite the fact that God brings life from decay, everything we see and experience here on earth is temporary and passing. Maybe some of it is that it is the land of the living for those who do not know Jesus. For those who do not trust Christ, every bit of good they will ever experience is now, when they still experience the common grace of God. I think, however, that it’s more than that.

While there is certainly good that I can see and experience from God in this life, ultimately, could it be that the land of the living is the place where God dwells? Is the land of the living more than just this earthly realm? Is the true land of the living a one day restored earth where there will be no more death and dying and all life will be redeemed for those who believe in Jesus? While I know that the land of the living often implied the earthly realm in which we live, I can’t help but wonder if its meaning extends far beyond that? Could it be that I have once again misapplied, or in the very least, under-applied God’s word?

It’s not that the land of the living and the land of death and dying are complete opposites. I have seen God’s goodness here on earth. I see the beauty he has made. I see his kindness through so many good gifts; friends, food, shelter and more. I see his provision. I watched God cause my son’s faith endure even as his body wasted away. I have seen his goodness over and over.

At the same time, I also experience the effects of living in the land of death and dying. I have seen and tasted the sorrows that come with this world. I have seen death and disappointment. I have experienced sorrow and grief. Any goodness I experience here on earth is always held in tension with the reality of living under the confines of a sin wrecked world.

The truth is, this world is not the land of the living; at least not fully. The goodness I get to see and experience here is a small taste of what is yet to come. I wait and let my heart take courage because I know that fully experiencing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living is still a one-day-yet-to-come reality. The land of the living is not today; at least not fully. One day, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the the land of the living; in the place where he dwells and reigns fully. One day I will fully understand God’s goodness. One day I will fully see his glory and there will be no darkness to dim its beauty. One day, but not yet.

The land of the living is just another concept and idea that I have long misapplied, or in the very least, had far too short a view. I assumed it was a promise for today, and while there are pieces of this that I can experience today, it will not be fully realized until one day when Christ returns to make all things new. One day, I will see God’s goodness in the true land of the living. I’m thankful for this deeper understanding and this hope.

For now, I will be strong and allow my heart to take courage as I wait for the Lord. When this life leaves me broken and confused, I can reconcile the disappointment that comes when I realize the hope I hold is not always understood or felt in my day-to-day living. I will be grateful for the goodness of the Lord that I can see and experience today, all the while knowing that this land of death and dying blinds me from truly understanding and experiencing the fullness of God’s goodness today. One day I will understand fully and what a day that will be.