Faithful Paradox

I’ve been thinking a lot about the holding power of God recently. He has promised that he will “never leave nor forsake” those who are his (Hebrews 13:5). I have seen this truth in my own life and I saw this truth play out as we watched my son lose his battle with cancer. Just weeks before he lost his life, one of the last things Ezra wrote was:

“There’s a song I really like called ‘My Offering’ by SONS the band (actually the same band we met at that coffee shop a while back). The chorus of the song goes ‘Let it be worship, holy, pleasing to You, everything I have I lay it at your feet.’ The bridge later in the song says, ‘I don’t have a spice or any perfume, but I have a life and I’ll pour it on you.’ That song has been really powerful for me recently. I may not have much right now. I may not be on campus spreading God’s love. I may not be doing whatever it is I wish I could be, but I do have a life right now, and I’ll pour all of it on God as an offering. For goodness sake he sent his only son to die for me so that I could have eternal life with him. He is the reason I wouldn’t be scared to die if it came there. What’s not to die for in that? “

I’ve thought about those who remain faithful to the very end. I’ve thought about my son, who the sicker he got, the more he seemed to praise God. What is it that keeps one praising God, trusting him, following him when it seems that everything in their lives should leave them feeling angry, bitter and rejecting God? What is it that has kept me continuing to praise God, despite the painful loss of my child?

As I unpack these thoughts, my mind goes to Job. He was one who remained faithful despite facing so much loss and devastation in his life. How can it be that someone remains faithful when there seems to be no reason to do so?

I had an idea of what I was thinking, but I asked Google if Job held on to God or if God held on to Job, curious to see what AI had to say. Google told me that Job held on to God. It said that “Job’s unwavering faith is the central theme of the story in Job.” I know Google knows a lot – a lot more than me – but I’m not sure I agree with Google on this one; at least not fully.

What I want to believe is that holding onto God is a choice that is up to me; I just decide I’m going to trust God no matter what. I want to believe that there is something within me that is stubborn enough to hold on; to believe. I want to agree with Google; that the strength of my faith is the central story in my life. The truth, however, is that I have seen a glimpse of the depth of my heart and there is nothing in me that would choose God on my own (John 15:16, Romans 9:16).

The reality is that losing my son shook me to the core. There were times I was angry with God; doubting his goodness and kindness. I found my heart mistrusting of him for a season. My faith felt weak and shaky. Doubt seemed louder than faith. I realize now, having walked through the worst thing a parent can walk through, that there is nothing in me that is strong enough to hold onto God. The truth is that God held onto me, and in that is great security.

I have recently been studying 1 Peter with a group of women. Last week we came to 1 Peter 1:5 which tells us that we “by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” The word “guarded” or “kept” is a military term that means to be shielded or watched over; it refers to how one in the military keeps watch over their charge. The verb tense is such that it is a continuous action, meaning that the believer is under God’s perpetual and never-ceasing protection. God holds the faith of a believer to the very end. He causes us to endure.

God guards the faith of his children; he holds us. The story of Job is not that God offered up Job to Satan because he was sure of Job’s faith and ability to hold onto God. Rather, the story has to be that God was sure in his own ability to keep Job’s faith. God is confident, not so much in the strength of his children, but rather in his own holding power. And if that is the case for Job, it must be the same for us.

Ezra praised Jesus to his very last breath, not because he had some incredible faith, but because he had an incredible God who held him and revealed more and more of himself to Ezra as his life on earth slipped away. I still praise God today because he has held my faith; despite the fact that I have struggled. He has remained steadfast and faithful.

I have, at times, feared that my faith would fail, but that fear comes only when I consider how weak and insufficient my own efforts to believe are. When I redirect my gaze to the One Who Holds my faith, I realize that he will cause me to endure.

First Peter goes on to say that one of the gifts that comes when facing trials is “that the tested genuineness of your faith… may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7) These pains have purpose. We cannot begin to understand all that God is up t0, but one thing we can be sure of; God is showing his children that he will hold their faith, all for his glory. There is nothing that “will snatch them out of [his] hand” (John 10:28). In this truth there is great comfort and hope.