Faithful Paradox

I was acutely aware that the calendar rolled from February to March this past Sunday. For me, that change was relatively inconsequential. I have two friends, however, for whom the month of March brings deep sorrow. One friend lost her son and another her husband.

Something I did not understand prior to losing my own son was that it is not simply the day of loss that brings sorrow, but it’s all that the date encompasses. I did not understand that often the day of loss is not the most painful part for the one grieving. It’s all that led up to the loss and all the ways life changed, both before and after.

We lost Ezra in a thousand little ways over the course of his illness. We lost his senior year of high school and all the joys and delight that come with that milestone. We lost the last season of getting to watch him play soccer coupled with watching his once strong, athletic frame wither away into an emaciated, frail being. We lost watching him lead in his role as the eldest of five sons and we also lost a lot of life with our other four sons. We lost 14 months of growing in intimacy in marriage as we lived separately, one at home and one at the hospital. We lost the dreams of all that would and could have been. We lost watching our child grow into an adult. I could name hundreds of more losses, but the point is, the actual date of loss is often not the biggest or only point of pain. The date of loss stands as a memorial stone for the thousands of ways life changed in that moment.

I made a point to acknowledge the turning of the calendar to both of these friends this weekend because I deeply understand now that the day of loss, which is certainly full of painful memories, is only one piece of the pain. While there is really nothing profound in this action, for the griever, it brings a sense of being seen in a space where they often can feel forgotten.

If you are walking with someone who has faced loss, understand that the pain and memories of that loss begin to stir long before the date on the calendar arrives. It’s worth acknowledging. It’s worth taking a moment to speak it out loud because it’s a piece of grieving that can feel really lonely and isolating. You know you’ll be remembered on the actual date of loss, but sometimes the thousand tiny deaths that occurred leading up to the loss are just as painful.