Faithful Paradox

I had someone recently ask, “Do you think grief can become an idol?” My gut reaction was, “Yes, of course!” As Calvin stated, our hearts are idol factories. As I have chewed on this question over the last several days, I actually think the answer is much more layered. Long before grief becomes an idol, it first can become an identity.

There are stages of grief which everyone facing loss must walk. The initial phase of loss is a space where grief is all consuming and painful. It’s easy to question if you will survive the pain. It’s not uncommon to wonder if you will be able to endure the sorrow. This time of loss is not a season to consider whether the heart over-identifies with loss. It is simply a season to endure; to know with certainty, “God is close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

God’s grace is always sufficient and his mercy is always new each day. Even when the sorrowful dirge of grief and loss is the only song heard and sung, God’s grace is enough to meet the griever in that space. There is also comfort within the pages of Scripture, knowing that, “there is a time to weep… and a time to mourn” (Ecclesiastes 3:3-4). There are seasons in which our job is simply to grieve.

There is a healthy season for mourning. There are times in which all of our mental and emotional energy is directed toward grieving the loss we have endured. Yet every season must transition to a new one. While there is no timeline to this phase, there is the reality that a time comes in which the griever must choose to move forward and this transition can be difficult for some to navigate.

The difficulty of this transition comes when the sorrow begins to lift and the grief somewhat abates, yet with that lifting can come another, unexpected layer of loss: the sorrow feels like the last remaining thing that ties you to your loved one. When the sadness fades it feels like the last connection point to your loved one fades as well. It’s a disorienting pain; one that came very unexpectedly for me. I think it is in this transition that grief can begin to shift from a healthy season of mourning and lament to an unhealthy sense of identity.

In one sense, losing a loved one becomes a piece of identity. How can it not? There is a piece of the heart that is never again the same. It is impossible for the griever’s identity not to be shaped by the loss. The danger comes, however, when that identity becomes the foundational piece of who they are in every sphere of life; when the loss and its impact receives the greatest devotion and affection in an ongoing way.

The warning signs of identity come when the grief that we’ve endured is not only a loss that deeply impacted our lives, but it becomes the anchor of our reality. Our commitment to remembering the person we lost may eclipse both our call from and our devotion to worshiping God.

There can also be a false sense that you are the only one who is truly suffering; others’ pain seems less weighty than your own because of the loss you have faced. Identity in loss can begin to harden the heart toward compassion, thinking all other grief is less significant or painful than your own. Your own suffering becomes the standard of how you view every other person’s pain.

As I consider Scripture, I am reminded of the prophet Samuel as he grieved for Saul. God removed Saul from his role as king which led Samuel into a season of deep grief. God finally rebuked Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul since I have rejected him?” (1 Samuel 16:1).

When I was deeply mourning the loss of my son, I was not yet ready to move forward. I was in the season where grief and mourning were my job, maybe even my identity for a time. I don’t believe God’s rebuke to Samuel likely happened during this first season of mourning because throughout Scripture, we are given many examples of those who mourn and grieve. There are even some, who for a time are called to “a ministry of sorrow” (Tim Challies).

It’s important to recognize that God’s rebuke of Samuel was not that he was mourning and grieving. It was not that his ministry was that of sorrow, but rather it has to be that his grief went on for so long it likely began to impede the ministry to which God had called Samuel. I can’t help but wonder if he took on grief and disappointment with God’s plan as his identity and God finally said, “Enough Samuel. It’s time to move forward.”

Working through loss takes a tremendous amount of time and energy. Of course the griever is changed by loss. Of course the griever takes on the loss as a piece of their identity. These things are also all seen within the bounds of Scripture.

Yet simultaneously, God’s exhortation to Samuel is one that every griever must wrestle through. After loss, the time comes in which we must transition into a new season. It doesn’t mean that the sadness is gone. It doesn’t mean the grief has fully resolved; it likely never will fully resolve this side of eternity. What it does mean is humble submission to God’s plan, even when we don’t like it or understand its purpose. It is moving forward with a heart that is far more attuned to others’ suffering, recognizing pain in places you didn’t understand before. It’s allowing the comfort that God once gave you to become a catalyst to comfort others in their sorrow. It’s learning to honor the life of the one you lost while also fighting to fully live the life God has for you today. It’s continually walking in the tension of choosing joy in light of the sorrow that still exists. It’s embracing the good that God has, despite the pain that still walks very near.

The danger of grief and loss becoming an identity is that it can lead to a lifetime of stagnation. I think this was the heart of God’s censure to Samuel. He lost his focus and calling. After his season of grieving should have concluded, after his time for weeping and mourning had passed, his identity was still one of sorrow and grief. His mission and call from God were derailed. His identity had become that of one who was disappointed with God’s plan and God rebuked him.

There is warning for the griever in this; yet within that warning there is also grace. The griever must recognize there is a time for mourning and weeping yet God has also promised, “all things work together for good” and in this there is great hope (Romans 8:28). There is restoration and healing to be found, yet there is no timeline to this promise. It is a tenuous road to walk; learning to take time to lament and grieve well, yet also knowing there comes a time to press forward in hope, not allowing the grief to become the defining piece of who we’ve become. At times, this pressing forward takes discipline; it can feel very painful. It is never a straight journey forward. It comes with many missed steps and pauses along the way and through it all, God remains faithful.