Faithful Paradox

When Ezra was sick, one of his doctors was a believer. I remember talking with him one day and he shared that it was difficult for him to pray for healing for his patients. He said he could easily pray that God would be near. He could pray that God would sustain. But having faith to believe that God would heal? That was difficult for him. He had seen and experienced far too much loss, both in his personal life and in his line of work, to pray with faith that God might heal.

I am finding that his words come to mind often these days as I pray. It’s easy for me to pray that God would be near. It’s easy for me to pray that God would sustain faith. It’s easy to pray that God would be made known. But praying for healing? It feels risky, like I’m setting myself up for disappointment once again. My heart feels guarded as I consider these prayers.

I’ve been struggling to reconcile Jesus’ words that we ought to “always pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1). As believers, we are commanded to pray (1 Thes. 5:17). We are told to pray with expectation (Mark 11:24). We are told to pray with thanksgiving (Phil. 4:6). We are even told that the prayers of the righteous have great power (James 5:16). I believe all these things, know they are true in my head, but if I’m honest, trying to get my heart to follow suit has been much harder than I would have expected.

In many ways, it’s easier to pray prayers that do not risk disappointment. God has promised he is near to the brokenhearted (Ps. 34:18), so it’s easy to pray that God would be near to someone who is brokenhearted. God has promised that he will work all things for good for those who love him (Rom. 8:28), so it’s easy to pray that God would do that. God has promised that he will be faithful and sustain believers to the end (1 Cor. 1:9), so it’s easy to pray with faith that God will be faithful in holding his children.

But learning to pray in expectation for things that may be in line with God’s will being done on earth as it is in heaven, yet things that are not promised here on earth? Praying for good things that are not promised here on earth? This is still difficult for me as I continue to rebuild faith.

As I consider my heart, I am realizing that there is a guardedness born out of a broken heart that still has its roots deeply planted within me. I can speak the words of faith, but deep within my heart, there is still doubt he will move. My doubt is not whether or not I believe God is able to move – I believe he is able to do anything that pleases him. There is the voice, however, that so quietly whispers, “God will do what he will do. Why bother praying?” And the truth is that many times, I don’t know how to answer this voice.

On the one hand, there is wisdom and obedience in praying prayers that I feel I have the faith to believe. After all, without faith it is impossible to please God (Heb. 11:6). Praying God’s word is one way that I can know, with confidence, that I am praying God’s will. On the other hand, however,  I also recognize that at times, my hesitation in prayer seems to be more about protecting my heart than trusting God’s character.

When I pray in self protection, I recognize that I am in the wrong. I recognize that I am the one who needs to change. God has done no wrong. He is who he says he is. He has not changed. His will does not change. Yet knowing these things and trying to reconcile them with praying in expectation and hope still feels hard right now.

This is a piece of loss that is still in process; an unexpected sorrow that still holds on. It is a piece of grieving that still endures; one I do not actually know how to overcome. Do I simply act in obedience and trust that the Lord will change my heart in time? Do I “fake it until I make it?” Or do I simply sit in the painful parts of prayer for the time being, knowing that God knows my heart and loves me still? Do I do my best to walk in obedience, knowing that even my best attempts are still feeble and weak, yet God, in his kindness does not despise me for it?

I think that must be it. I don’t know that there is anything I can do to change my heart outside of confessing once again, “I believe, help my unbelief” and then turn and “kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages” as I wait for God to rebuild my faith in such a way that hopeful, expectant prayers once again feel possible (Mark 9:24, Charles Spurgeon).