There is a very real tension that comes within the Christian faith when we face times of loss and devastation. The strain comes for many believers on the road that travels from a head that knows what obedience is to a heart that feels deeply hurt by the outcome. We see the example of Christ; his ultimate submission to the Father’s will, praying “not my will but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). Yet when we feel pain, disappointment, or confusion with how God has responded, how do we learn to respond like Jesus, persuading our hearts to embrace the same difficult submission? What does faithfulness look like when agreeing with God’s will feels like something we know we must say out of obedience, but our hearts struggle to follow?
There are followers of Christ whose faith seems to be a very logical endeavor: God says it’s true so they believe and do not question. There are others, however, who tend to approach life through the lens of feelings and experience. These followers believe God is who he says he is. They faithfully follow him. Yet they wrestle deeply with truly resting in God’s plans, especially when those plans hurt or feel confusing and disappointing.
I have a good enough theology to know what obedience looks like; “your will be done” no matter the circumstance. The tension comes when my head knows what I must do and my heart buckles under the pain of submission. Good theology is of great value, but it must learn to gently and patiently tend the hurting heart. Learning to both speak what is true yet also shepherd a pained heart toward submission to God’s will, especially when it is disappointed with the outcome of what God has allowed in our lives, is a delicate yet worthwhile process.
Here are five ways to help the hurting heart move toward submission when the outcome of, “your will be done” is not what we had hoped.
- Trust who God says he is over your experience of him .
There is a foundational piece of faith to which every believer must submit: the character of who God says he is. This can be difficult, however, when God does not act or respond in the ways we had hoped or thought he would; in ways that seem inconsistent with our understanding of his word. When we begin to view God through the lens of our experience of his character, it is easy to become disenchanted with who God is.
We believed God’s kindness would look a certain way; an open womb, healing from disease, protection, or provision. We believed his goodness would be seen through a change in circumstances or an easy path forward. When things don’t happen the way we hoped, it can be easy to believe, “God’s word says he is good, but he was not good to me.” The issue is that when we define what is good, we put ourselves in the place of God and our unmet expectations begin to define who God is.
We must always start with who God says he is. He does not change, no matter the circumstances we face. The beginning point must always be that in his loving kindness and for his glory, God showed his love through sending his son so we could have redemption and favor. In this we see every true character piece of God. Many believers will reach a point in which their experience of God feels different than what they think he has promised; when praying “your will be done” leads to loss. Reminding our hearts of who God is, despite our experiences, must be foundational in the life of every follower of Christ. - Learn to wrestle with submission.
Considering Jesus in the garden shortly before he was crucified, he asked God three times if he would be willing to change his circumstances. Despite the fact that he and the Father had ordained the very moment Jesus was in from the very beginning of time, despite being one who likely had more “insider” knowledge and understanding than we ever could have, he still asked God if there was a different way. Jesus was both fully human and fully divine. In many ways, he had to wrestle his fully human nature toward submission, and if Christ modeled that for us, we must practice the same.
It’s easy to overlook that coming to a point of submission often includes a season of wrestling with God and his will. Many who are in deep pain and confusion give up in discouragement before they reach a place of resolve. It’s important to remind the wrestler that wrestling is not necessarily a sign of weak faith, rather it can be a picture of one who is fighting for faithfulness. If Jesus, “learned obedience through what he suffered” why would we be any different (Hebrews 5:8)?
When my son was battling cancer, I desired to have a heart that was in submission to God’s will. I wanted to have a posture that was pleasing to him. This desire, however, was confronted with the reality of losing my son. I wanted both; to be able to sincerely pray, “not my will but yours,” and also have my son. The two were at odds and there was no compromise.
I recognize my battle with submission would not have changed the outcome. The battle was about my heart submitting to God’s sovereign, yet at times, painful will. It took a long time for me to reach a point of honestly saying and believing that God’s will was better, even if it meant losing my son. If I’m honest, there are still times I find I have to remind my heart that God’s plan is best, even years past the loss. There is a significant difference, however, between knowing how a Christian ought to respond versus wrestling our hearts into that same posture. It’s important to realize that trusting God’s plan doesn’t necessarily take away the pain of loss; even when we submit to his will.
What we see of Christ in the garden is that he asked God… and then he asked again… and again. Even when God remained silent, he asked and he worked his heart toward the place of trusting God’s plan. Often, genuinely praying for God’s will, even when the outcome leaves us in pain and confusion, is a process that takes time and comes with many messy requests. It rarely happens after one prayer. - Recognize that deep faith rarely flows from understanding.
A piece of faith I have had to learn over and over is that faith which only flows from understanding what God is doing is not very deep. It’s one thing to trust God when prayers seem to be answered in the way we had hoped. When the job is lost and a new one comes at just the desired time. When the sickness is diagnosed and prayers for healing are answered just as we hoped. When provision comes in the exact way we asked or expected.
What about the times, though, when God does not respond how we had hoped? When what we thought would be the answer of a loving father is actually the extreme opposite? When the job doesn’t come and beyond that, the lifestyle and its trappings are lost? When the diagnosis is much worse than we hoped and the treatments don’t work? When the womb doesn’t open? When the marriage is not restored? When the prodigal does not return? When the season of waiting grows from weeks to months to years? When we are hurt or even disappointed with God’s answer of, “no” or in the very least, “not the way you hoped.”
These pains are the spaces in which “your will be done” is a hard fought surrender because these things don’t make sense. These don’t feel like answers from a loving, all-powerful God. In these times, we can start with the foundational piece of believing God’s character, yet it’s confusing when a loving and kind God allows horrible things to happen. It’s the age old question of evil and trusting God in the midst of it.
True surrender to God’s will, when the outcome is radically different than we had hoped, is a space where we learn to sit with the uncomfortable tension of feeling confused. It’s believing there is good we cannot understand. It’s finding hope in knowing that God’s kindness is present in ways we cannot yet comprehend; ways we may not even feel at times. Faith is not the same as understanding and learning to submit to God’s will often comes with the need to surrender understanding. - Surrender the outcome.
Learning to trust God’s will also means that praying, “your will be done” means we surrender the outcome. “Your will be done, and please let it look like…” is not surrender. While God certainly invites his children to ask him for the desires of our hearts, truly surrendering to his will says that no matter the outcome, I will trust you.
When my son was sick and dying, I wrestled deeply with surrendering the outcome to God. I longed to see God’s kingdom come and his will being done on earth as it is in heaven. I longed for God’s will to be his healing of my son; eradicating the cancer and allowing his story to be one of praise to the God who heals.
I reached a point in my prayers in which surrendering the outcome looked like me praying, “God, please heal him. Please don’t take him. But if you do, I know I will be okay. I know that you will sustain me. I will still trust you and worship you even if…”
It was God’s will that cancer take my son. I hated that outcome. I still do. I still struggle at times with God about his plan. I was angry when my son died. I had to step into a season of wrestling with God and all the disappointment I felt with him and his answer of “no.” Surrender was not a pretty process and in many ways, I felt like the reality of death looming forced my hand of surrender. Despite my intense grappling, God has remained faithful.
A piece of praying, “your will be done” even when the outcome is not what we hoped, is learning to surrender that outcome to God. It’s submitting your desires and understanding. This is no easy process and often looks messy with pockets of anger, defiance, and questioning sprinkled throughout. Sometimes it doesn’t happen before the loss, but takes months and sometimes years of struggle before our hearts reach a point of truly submitting to the Father. In this we see that surrendering the outcome, allowing ones’ will to die, is painful. But then again death is always hard; especially the death of our desires. - Practice submission as a form of lament.
Learning to lament is part of learning faithfulness to God. True lament is crying out to God in our pain and confusion, in our sadness, grief, and loss and pouring our hearts out before him. It’s confessing our disappointment with who we thought he would be in the midst of our loss. It’s grieving that this world is not as it ought to be. It’s speaking our sorrow and confusion, our anger and disillusionment with God to him and as we do this, we are met with God’s long-suffering patience and kindness. We are met with compassion.
We must learn to grieve when God says no; when God says that his plans are different than we had hoped. The process of shepherding the heart to being able to honestly say, “your will be done” can be extremely difficult. We can learn to process this pain and disappointment as a form of lament. God invites his children to cry out to him over and over. It rarely, if ever, will look like praying one time and the pain is resolved. Rather, it is approaching the throne of grace time and time again, knowing that our Father is good and kind, even though the circumstances of our lives feel anything but.
God has not asked us to trust him because we understand what he is doing. He has not asked us to trust him because the outcomes are what we had hoped. He’s not looking for a heady expression of his will being done while our hearts remain aloof and disillusioned. He’s asked us to trust him because he’s trustworthy and good, even when that goodness feels veiled or confusing. He’s shown us his faithfulness through offering his son, showing us that even in the darkest, most confusing places, there is a far greater Kingdom purpose at play; often things we cannot begin to understand or comprehend.
There is a process in training the heart to submit to what the mind already knows and it can be difficult to pray, “your will be done” when the outcome is one that will surely lead to pain and suffering. Yet reminding the heart of who God truly is while we wrestle with submission, surrendering hopes and expectations of the outcome while we learn to lament can help encourage the heart in learning submission. Ultimately, through it all, God remains steadfast and kind, patient and eager to be a very present help in the midst of trouble.
Faithful Paradox 
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